I haven’t posted a lot lately because as you can imagine a baby is not exactly an aphrodisiac but as poly is not all about sex (despite what my mono friends think), I’d like to ramble about my extended poly family and why they are awesome.

When I came home from the hospital, sore and disoriented, one of my husband’s ladyfriends brought us food so that I could rest. We all sat in the living room, her holding my new lilun so that I could finally, finally eat, and we talked and laughed. It was a soft simple moment that meant a lot to me.

I’ve put off writing this for a while. At first I was too angry. Then too sad. Then too busy. Then too blah. But procrastination will only get you so far so here I go.

As He wrote in his last post, we’ve ended our relationship. It’s amicable and we’re still friends. It feels like I should just be able to leave it there but I can’t really because that sounds very neat – like a present with a bow and adorable wrapping paper. The truth is this isn’t that neat. The truth is that we disagree and that I while I’m not angry at him, I do feel very hurt by him (nothing I can’t/won’t/am not getting over).

For me this breakup starts about a year ago. We were about a month into our Capital “R” relationship. The hubby and I were still in baby negotiations but we knew it was definitely going to happen; it was just a matter of time. I thought that if He and I were going to make a go at this crazy lil thing called love then I needed to lay all my cards on the table, the ace of dirty diapers and the queen of midnight feedings included.

I saw His ex-girlfriend online. Now this lady and I have been friends longer than He and I have been friends. She has a few little ones of her own and she knew that for career (and other) reasons I was a little apprehensive about kids. I told her it was inevitable but that I was worried about Him. How would He take it? What would He say? Would He end our relationship? She was her usual awesome and helpful self. She related how great He was with her kids while they were together, how great He STILL is with her kids, and how this was me working myself up into a froth for no reason. Just talk to him, she said.

I had already planned on talking to him but hearing her reassurance made me more hopeful than I had previously let myself be. I saw him online and we talked for hours. I laid it all out. I was going to, at some unknown point in the future, have kids with the hubby. I still wanted him to be my boyfriend but I understood if this was a deal breaker for him. If it was, no ill will – but let’s end this now if this is something you think you can’t handle.

He was a bouquet of don’t be silly and I love kids and this will be a grand adventure for us all. (This was not the last conversation we had about it. His response never changed… until…)

Fast-forward to four months ago: I call him to tell him, I’m a wee bit knocked up. He is overjoyed. Once again, grand adventure of being weird uncle He is exciting. He cried actual human tears of joy.

Then we got off the phone and every fear and anxiety heretofore unthought-of by him starts to plague him. The next time we talk, he is a ball of anxiety and unanswerable questions: how will this work? How much time will I have for him? Do I still love him? (That last one I had an answer for). We talk and talk and talk and decide that we will make this up as we go along because what else can we do?

Then at about three months, I tell the general public. Our mutual friend, his ex, asks him, “What does this mean for you?” Even though we had just discussed it, he doesn’t know. Repeat that scenario with a few mutual friends and he is a wreck, a needy insecure wreck.

For me, being a needy insecure wreck is okay. IF we can talk about it. However, if we oscillate between brave/I’m-okay-you’re-okay-everything-is-okay face and “reassure me you love me,” we tend to have problems.

I knew something was wrong. I asked about it. The conversations were always the same:

Me: You okay? You seem freaked.

Him: I am SO SUPER HAPPY FOR YOU

Me: It’s okay if you’re scared

Him: No, I’m not- okay I am. Do you still love me? Will you have time for me?

Me: I’m talking to you right now because I still love you and I still have time for. I’ll have less time once I’m a new mama but I think that’s normal.

Him: You’re right. I’m being silly. [pause] but you still love me, right? I’m being silly, right?

This went on for a while. We both posted about his last disastrous weekend visit so no need to recap that again. It’s been pretty much the same since he left. I’ve asked him a couple times if he wanted to go back to being just friends because this all seemed like it was taking a toll on him and our relationship.

I couldn’t trust that he was being honest with me about what he was feeling. He felt me pulling away. Our relationship because a source of stress for me because our conversations were almost always about his feelings and how I wasn’t making him feel loved enough (to be fair, I was pulling away). We had a conversation almost every 1.5 – 2 weeks about his feeling about being loved (which to me felt like conversations about me being pregnant.)

Finally, I asked him if he wanted to be friends and he said yes. As difficult as it was, it was a relief. He’d stopped being a support system for me a long time ago (I’m not sure when the last we talked about how I was feeling about my pregnancy was because his feeling had become more urgent.)

I did feel angry after a few days though: Hadn’t I asked him a year ago about this? Hadn’t I said I wanted to breakup then, before we got in too deep, if my pregnancy was going to be an issue? Hadn’t he been excited for me? What happened?

The anger turned into me feeling like he wasted my time. I told him so (I’m not one to be coy with my friends). He was of course hurt. So we talked and had a much more honest conversation than we’ve had since I told him I was pregnant.

I told him how draining his cycle of adventure of pregnancy/crippling insecurity had been for me. He told me he felt like I had no time for him. That he was concerned about dating (telling people about his gf had evidently ruined opportunities for him.) That he was worried about always being closeted to his family (and mine). All of which, I said, were poly issues not my pregnancy issues. Issues that, if he continued to identify as poly, he’d have to deal with in his future relationships.

What he eventually admitted was that my pregnancy made him feel like a secondary to my hubby for the first time since we got together. He wants his own primary.  

I found this really ironic for a few reasons: Because I’ve never used the primary/ secondary vocabulary. Because I talk to Him online more than I see my husband in a day because of our schedules. Because if anyone is more a primary to me, it’s the person I’m growing inside of me. Because if he wanted a secondary relationship with me, we could have negotiated that without all this hurt and stress. Because I understand why he would want to come home to someone. Because I’ve been encouraging him to date for a while now.

Right now, we’re figuring out how to be friends again and I think that’s going well. I think our big angry/hurt conversation was necessary to get everything out in the open.

I’m still a little annoyed. (Going to be much easier for him to jump into the dating pool as a solo poly than a six month pregnant woman).  What hurts most is that I feel lied to. I feel like the relationship started to implode the second I told him I was pregnant. A year ago, I talked to him about it and He said something totally different than what he is saying now.

I know people change and feelings change, but I had hoped he was being honest with me. I think he was. I think he wasn’t being honest with himself.

He’s welcome to swing by and say hi via a blog about his solo adventures anytime but for now it’s me, the hubby, the kid, and our poly life.

There have been a deficit of posts in our long distance relationshop poly blog as of late.

When last we left our heroes, I had screwed up royally.  She is having a child (which is something she’s wanted for a while now) and I acted selfishly in the face of feeling like I was about to be left out of this new relationship between Her, her hubby, and the new life.  I felt like I was on the losing end of the bargain as I had to stay closeted in my role in Her life, and even moreso as the advent of a little one would bring their families over more and more, not to mention the lack of time available for my needy ass.

So things never really healed from my disastrous last visit.  She remained guarded, I remained emotionally rocky at best.  I tried to keep my perspective open and I wanted to be honest with myself about how I felt about having less time/attention from Her.   Maybe the timing on this was all wrong.  Maybe if we’d have become involved post-child, it would have been an easier transition into how a poly family works.  But truth, the long distance of it all (which already causes acute heartache on the regular) and the fact that (justifiably or not) I felt more and more like a third wheel just wasn’t helping my head and heart at all.  Would have living next door helped this situation?  Maybe.  Tough to say.  The idea of being able to hands-on contribute in some way shape or form certainly seems like it would have helped in the emotional bonding that is going on right now between Her and her hubby and the little one doing the cha-cha in her belly, waiting to make his/her debut.   But I’m in no place to pack up right now and move.  Just as having children was in her five year plan, what I’m doing right now where I am is in mine.  If I moved just for this, there would be no guarantees that problems would be solved, I’d have to start over from Square One, and most likely, I wouldn’t be all that happy for a while.
 
So here we are.  And ever since I got back home from The Bad Weekend, She has been reiterating and encouraging me to date, because, you know, we’re poly and it’s totally allowed.  And I’ve had some potential starts and abrupt stops once I tell my date my open relationship status.    So, no one local wants to date a guy with a girlfriend.  And I’m feeling more and more distant from Her, who is going through a million changes emotionally and hormonally and physically and frankly, doesn’t have the time or energy to deal with coddling me in my hour of freakout.  We have hit a wall, it seems.
 
In the past few weeks, She’s brought up the option of the two of us going back to being friends, like we were pre-romance, or as she put it, friends who talk as much as we do now, and if in the same city and it’s applicable, get our foolaround on.  And I resisted that option.  I mean, this is my first long term poly relationship, and this is where we really need to put the poly pedal to the metal and show the world how this family thing is done!
 
Except I couldn’t handle it.  I’ll take the hit on that.  My relationship with Her has never been based on the hierarchical structure of “primary/secondary”, but more and more (and don’t get me wrong, I totally understand why) I felt more and more like a secondary.  And a distant one at that.   I don’t think it’s that I’m not ready to be in a poly relationship.  In fact, I’m more open to the idea than I was before, and She is a huge reason for that.  I know now that you can maintain a happy, healthy, communicative, loving adult relationship in this fashion, and she and Her hubby really inspire me in that sense.  But for me, at least, life happened in a way that I wasn’t ready for, and I think it’ll be better for both of Us if we focus on ourselves and our futures right now.  So She and I are back to being friends and I have no regrets about anything.  It’a been one of the best years of my life.  And even though things may be a little rocky between us right now, I trust that this amazing woman who has been one of my best friends will remain so. 
 
I am turning over the keys to this blog to Her, so she can continue to write about her poly life, which she’s been living successfully and happily for a long time.  She’s a great teacher, so don’t stop reading.  I continue to learn from her everyday.   I may pop back into the blogosphere with my own anonymous poly musings.  We’ll see.  In the meantime,  I thank you for reading Us and if you have any words for me, I’m sure She’ll pass them on to me backchannel.
 
I less than eighty-three you all.  You know… <83. 
 
All my best,
PeaBrained Him.

So… my weekend was not awesome.

He came for his last visit for the foreseeable/planned future and seemed, as I said to him on our last night together, “angry the whole time.” Needless to say, it was not the visit I had been hoping for.

I told Him about the pregnancy before I told my friends and well in advance of his visit so that we could talk about all the fears and joys and miscellaneous what-not that this stirred up with both of us. I knew that there was no model for this - no one right way to do this – so I knew that there was lots of figuring out in our future.

I also knew that the response I was getting from him wasn’t the whole story. We were friends long before we were dating, so his “I’m really excited for you/I’m really scared/I’m really excited for you” talks didn’t feel like the whole story. And it wasn’t.

But I thought he was just back to feeling really scared. I can talk it out and validate all day and He knows this so I was taken completely off guard when He told me on his last night here that He felt that he needed to break up with me.

I told him, when we got together romantically, that having kids was going to be a part of my life. I asked him then if it was something he could deal with. He seemed genuinely excited for me and my anticipation. When I found out that the hubby and I had been successful in our attempts, I talked to him. I asked him if this was something he could deal with. He said he was excited for us both and sent me links to ironic/funny onesies. When he got insecure, I talked to him again about our idea of family and how this would affect our relationship (while acknowledging that some things we just wouldn’t be able to anticipate). I asked him if he thought he could do this and assured him that if the answer was no that we could go back to being the best of friends He said he wanted to be with me. Yet, because of his demeanor, when he broke up with me I was sad but not truly surprised.

I’m emotional. I’m tired. I’m nauseous. I’m freaked out about giving birth (the pics in book and online are really graphic and intimidating). I’m worried about money and college funds and orthodontia. Maybe I’m a horribly selfish bitch but I really, really thought that we would do more this weekend than talk about His feelings. I know He’s got them and that’s okay but so do I. I’m nervous about our relationship, too. I get sick every time some touches me and am gaining weight (and will only gain more) so I’m worried about maintaining our sexual relationship (His sexual interest). On the same note, I’m worried about what this pregnancy is going to do to my body. But we didn’t talk about any of that.

When he wasn’t sullen, we talked about how my pregnancy was making him feel (bad, unloved, third wheel-ish, and insecure). I know that these are important conversations to have, and we keep having them, but his feelings aren’t the only ones in the room nor are they the only conversation we need to have.

He broke up with me. Then he decided he didn’t want to break up with me. It felt a lot like he just needed to have a breakdown and be comforted, but every emotion is not a crisis. Every fear is not a reason to breakup with someone. I love him but our weekend left me feeling tired, drained, and distant.

[Cue Ani DiFranco’s “Make Me Stay”: I’m going to turn and walk away/ you wait til I am far along/ then run and come and catch my arm/ and say you’d die if I were gone/ I want to hear you call my name…”]

I can reassure Him of our poly-ness and encourage him to date other lovely ladies if he wants to. I can hold his hand through his fears. I can offer my actions up as proof. But I can’t make him tell me how he feels or learn to ask for what he needs. I won’t put myself in a position to be unnecessarily stressed right now by self-made crisis situations. I’m really happy and I want to enjoy this. There are some roller coasters I can’t ride but I’ll wave from the stableness of the ground to Him if that up and down is something he needs right now.

I know this sound harsh, love, but I’m not sure what else I can give you. I reassured. I addressed anything that might hold you back from getting the love and attention you need. I talked. I listened.

And now, I’m tired.

He said:  I am home from a four day vaca with Her and Her fella.  I don’t know when I’m going to be able to see her next, but rest assured one of two realities will be going on:

A)  She’ll be reeeeeeally, reeeeeally pregnant, or

B) She’ll be a new mom.

So there’s that.

I am going on the record and saying that going into the extended weekend, I had a myriad of fears and doubts about my place in this new config of our poly relationship:

1.  She’s starting a family.  He’s gonna be a proud dad.  Why would they want ME around?  

2.  Her time is justifiably spent on the nurturing of this new life in her belly.  That’s a new relationship.  One she’s wanted for a long time.  How do I contribute to this?

3.  I’m closeted to my family about being poly.  She’s closeted to hers.  Her hubby’s closeted to his family.  How do I—or DO I at ALL— explain to my mom and dad that my gf is pregnant with her husband’s baby?

Et cetera, ad nauseum.

So admittedly, I walked into my time with Her, blanketed in insecurity and expecting the worst.  Thusly, I translated every little thing into me being pushed aside.  Like:

Exhibit A.  HER: So, I’m in my first trimester, which means almost everything I smell makes me sick.  Almost everything I eat makes me sick.  If you touch my stomach, I may get sick.  I’m not feeling very sexy.

ME: I want to cuddle. (epicfail)

——

Exhibit B.

Me, in the backseat of their car while the three of us drive to the beach.  The radio, loud, the two of them in the front seats, having a conversation. Me, not able to hear.

MY INNER DIALOGUE:  I’m not wanted in this conversation.  I’m a third wheel and being tolerated but not liked.

WHAT WOULD’VE BEEN THE HEALTHY REALITY HAD I BEEN RATIONAL: Hey, can you turn the radio down?  Can’t hear what’s being talked about.  (and then would’ve joined in the discussion)

——

Me, worried and insecure, not really paying attention, and blowing every little thing out of proportion.

——

Also, She and I have been speaking via IM and some phone, and while I am aware of what she as New Mom-To-Be is going through, to be there is a whole different ballgame.  And now I know that Hubby has been negotiating through three months of this.  Hence, there is a shorthand that They possess that I could not possibly.  Does this mean I’m being shut out?  Nope.  Just means that He’s there every day to field Her concerns/wants/needs.   As he should be.  Didn’t stop me from being Irrational Boyfriend.  Because I was trying too hard to suppress when I should’ve said, “Hey.  This is scary.”  Honesty trumps painted on courage.

——

She and I went to an amazing concert (that her fella bought us tickets for) and the three of us went to a beach and frolicked in the ocean.  And yet I chose to spend our last night together in a bedroom almost breaking up because I didn’t think I could handle not being loved/wanted/needed.   I’m such a douche.

——

We made up.  Or rather, I retracted the breakup because this woman who is my best friend is someone I don’t want to lose as a lover as well.  We renegotiated some of our finer points in the light of all that’s occurred.  Bottom line:  I’ve been acting like I was in a monogamous relationship with my poly gf.   I need to remember and realize that, without guilt, I am allowed and encouraged to be with other women who are good to me and who I want to be with.  It’s something I’m getting back in focus.  And yeah, maybe the advent of Her and her Fella and their amazing new adventure (like it’s a Lord of The Rings movie…sheesh.  Their CHILD) put this into perspective, but I have to be grateful for that on some level, too.  These two are really two of my favorite people on the planet.  If I didn’t have a crush on them already, I’d have a crush on them.  Glad they like me.

——

I feel really bad (not like, gonna beat myself for it for a long time bad, but still) for having put Her through this on Day 3 when I probably could’ve been honest on Day 1 and let the rest of the weekend slide by.  Our last day felt awkward.  I know She loves me, and I love Her as much as I ever did, but still.  I want to do right by us.  This is my bloggy apology to you, My Lover/Best Friend.  I am SO goddamned happy for you and He.  For the future.  Get some rest.  Eat some fruit.  

I’m not going anywhere.

She said: It’s been an eventful couple of months.

This is an understatement… which is why I haven’t posted since April. Long story short: work has slowed down, He and I still haven’t been talking as much as we were in the winter but have definitely found more time to talk since work slowed down, He’ll be here in a week, and… I’m knocked up.

He said:  Yeah—so that happened.  I leave her alone for a few minutes, and…

Okay, seriously.   This is the stuff a blog about successful long distance poly relationships lives for, right?  She and I are nothing if not there for our readers.  So.  Here’s what we know,  in no particular order…

1.  I did not contribute to the aforementioned knocking up.  That’d be the proud product of She and the hubby.
2.  I am thrilled about it.  I really am.  I’m an uncle in my birth family and I love the idea of being Weird Uncle He, however that shakes down.
3.  When she told me, I was overwhelmed with emotion (because I’m emo like that).  And then the day after…I got really scared for our relationship.

Let me expand on that.  I became what I now recognize as the equivalent of the only child who’s been told that a brother/sister is on the way.  I worried that there’d be no time for me, and no place for me in this new permutation of family.   There were a number of other factors that I worried about as well.  Like the fact that all three of us (me, Her, and the fella) are closeted in our polyness to protect the feelings/opinions of our families.  So.  How would I explain to my parents that my gf is preggers, and it ain’t mine, and oh by the way, she’s married, and oh by the way, do you know what polyamory is?    Not a discussion I want to have.  So.  She and I had that talk once my freakout set in…

She said: I’m not sure that the talk helped. He and I are nothing if not honest with each other and while I want to say that nothing will change, we both know that’s not true.

It’s hard to say what exactly will change but we do know a few things: a) at some point, I won’t be able to fly, b) babies are expensive so c) all that frequent flying money will be going to things like diapers and cribs and car seats (oh my!), and d) after the upcoming visit we have no idea when we’ll see each other again.

It IS a lot to take in. For us both. There’s a lot up in the air and He IS emo. He reacted almost exactly like I expected (super excited and then not-so-super excited) and I can’t fault him for that at all; there aren’t a lot of good models to point at and say, “Look! This is how people do this!”

It’s inherently scary because it’s new and uncharted and uncertain. I honestly don’t know how to be reassuring (especially when pregnancy hormones are no joke in their magical personality-altering abilities).  This is all still so new. For everyone.

He said:  I recognize that things will change, and probably quite a bit.   I got scared and then defensive and I’m 99.9% certain I hurt Her feelings when I brought up the fact that I might start entertaining the idea of dating again (which has always been an option for me, mind you, but I just never felt compelled to explore it much).   I know that her time and her money will soon be focused on the New Kid and I’m already shopping for cool onesies.  I think I may have even had some sympathy nausea the day after (oh, emotions, you silly things).   What I know I need to do in this situation is be patient (I think I’m getting better at it) and realize that while I am involved in the Bigger Picture, at the end of the day, a lot of what is about to occur is not about me (and that’s okay).  

I don’t mind saving up for trips out to her neck of the woods (this upcoming trip was paid for by me with no issues).   I am looking forward to charting the progress of this whole wacky journey.   I know that this is something She and I talked about in the early days of our relationship (“Hey, how would you feel if I got pregnant?  Because that’s in my 5 year plan”), and I couldn’t be happier that this is happening.   What will my role be in Her life?  In the family’s life?  I honestly don’t know.   I don’t think She does either.  I suspect we’ll do what we always do and figure it out as we go.

What I do know is I love Her as much as I ever did.  She’s been a best friend to me almost since the first time we started communicating, and that’s something that I don’t take lightly.   I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep our relationship happy and healthy.   

She said: Pregnancy was definitely on the table from the beginning (He and I talked early on about it) and the hubby and I are ecstatic. I was less than ecstatic about the not-gonna-have-enough-time-for-me/gonna-look-for-others-to-date part of the reaction even though I understand it. I understand and fully believe that He’s happy for me (for us). I know we can’t decide anything (I’m not even sure if there’s anything to decide).

And, like He said, we’ll keep making it up as we go along.

So here is a perfect storm of suck (not in a hot way):

• This is my busy time at work. We get lots of deadlines in quick succession.
• When I get busy/stresses, I withdraw and go into tunnel vision mode.
• HE lives in another state.

The past month or two (since He left) have been very hectic. We’ve been talking less (Skype/phone) and when we do, I’m usually all over the map.

This isn’t so much a poly issue as an LDR issue. He’ll be back in mid-June so that’s exciting and my work will have slowed down considerably by then so that’s good. It’s just weird and I’m just venting.

He Said:  Okay, I just did something REALLY dorky and amazingly insecure and I feel like a doofus because of it.   Nothing relationship-threatening, just…dumb.

So She has a predilection for craftiness and handiwork.  Practical art, things made by hand, basically Etsy meets Home Improvement.    I am mildly crafty/handy at best.  I can certainly assemble/disassemble things.   I can hook up an XBox like what.   I think my primordial practicality is less that I can build a kitchen and more that I can make use of that kitchen with a pretty decent modicum of talent. 

So there’s that.

Today She told me she was crushing on the work of someone we both know.  Sent me a link.  Let me tell ya, dude has mad skills with the woodworking.  Gorgeous stuff.

And me, who is not lacking in talents myself, suddenly felt really inadequate.  Because I don’t know how to use a router table.  Or have never sanded or varnished or primered.  All things She has minor orgasms over.

So I felt defensive and insecure and I was having a bad day already so I tried to joke with Her about it something like this (and this is via text, FYI):

ME:  I’m going to lose you to a router table.  Oh the humanity.

SHE:  It could happen.

Now—real talk—that shit is funny.  And that’s the way We laugh. I mean, even if, heaven forfend, worst case scenario, She has a crush/fling/thing with said craftsman, then so be it, right?   I fall for creative women all the time.  Even ones that aren’t Her.  And that’s all part of this crazy poly trip we’re on.  We’re allowed to have feelings and ideas and lusts for other folks.   So either way, it shouldn’t have bothered me.  

But I got all extra insecure and panicky and was all “Maybe She WILL leave me for the woodworker from [redacted] and it’s all because I never learned how to use a lathe or a power drill”.  SILLY,right?  So goofy and dumb?  And I KNOW this.

Because, truth (as He looks right at the camera, addressing She):  No, I cannot build you a table or a spice rack or a house.  I can write you wonderful letters and poems and thoughts.  I can cook you meals.  I can sing for you.   I can draw you goofy cartoons.   I can make you laugh in ways that only I can do.   And I can love you in ways that only I can do.

And now…now it’s all okay.  Because I stopped letting my bad day dictate my mood and because I have an amazing gf who I will be seeing again in about six weeks and somedays we poly newbies (and I know I can’t call myself that for much longer—almost NINE MONTHS into this relationship, yo!) just need to exhale and say “so it goes”.

So…so it goes.